Singolhud

Let me quote the whole lyrics from my Idol David Archuleta's song.

I was thinking about ya
I drew a little picture
But some things you can't put on paper
Like ya like shooting stars
Or write songs on guitar
Got more things to do than stare at a mirror

And I know, I know
She's gotta be out there, out there
I know, I know, she's gotta be

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right
Maybe I just let you walk by
What can I say
Maybe i've known you all my life
Is she the one, is it today
Will I turn the corner, see my future
In a beautiful face
Maybe

She's anything but typical
A sweet surprise
No matter what she's looking at the bright side
It's gonna be worth it
Cos that's what love is
I'll keep searching for my kind of perfect

And I know, I know,
She's gotta be out there, out there

I know, I know, she's gotta be

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right
Maybe I just let you walk by
What can I say, maybe i've known you all my life
Is she the one, is it today
Will I turn the corner, see my future, in a beautiful face
Maybe

They say, give it time,
Give it time and it will fall in line
But I, keep wondering how and when and why I haven't met you

But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right
Is she the one, is it today
Will i turn the corner, see my future, in a beautiful face.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right
Maybe I just let you walk by
What can I say, maybe i've known you all my life
Is she the one, is it today
Will i turn the corner, see my future, in a beautiful face
Maybe
Ohhhh, maybe, yeah.

I'll keep searching for my kind of perfect.

(Lyrics from http://www.elyricsworld.com/my_kind_of_perfect_lyrics_david_archuleta.html)

Yes, maybe I'm wrong or right for showing my tougher side instead of my mushy one. I don't know but as what I believe, people will always take advantage of every piece of kindness. They'll do this until you can no longer give. And this attitude makes it a lot harder for me to find someone who fits this empty space.

David Archuleta's a lot luckier. He hasn't experienced love yet that's why he wrote this song. He said in an interview, "Why write a love song when I haven't experienced one?"

For 3 years now, my heart is still in the freezer, placed in the highest part of it. No one dared to defrost it and make it melt again. Family, time, friends, career -- which one is the hindrance to my happiness? Let me erase it. Haha

But as the lyrics say, I know someone's gotta be out there. It may not be today nor tomorrow but I'm pretty sure that someone is destined for me to love. I'll just be patient but I'll never get tired of looking.

My Papa and His Battle

It is exactly 8 days since that day he was admitted in the hospital until he is allowed to go today. I've known this man for my whole life. I owe him and my mother every single thing that I am now. Hmm, aside from being a real gambling addict, he is a good father to his 4 children. Typical this may sound but I really am proud to have him as my father. I would've never known to ride a bicycle without him. I would've never known that school is really important. I would've never known the reality of life without him. Now, he's battling his illness. I know the difficulty he is bearing but I know he'll be able to return to his old self again. If you're one of my very few readers, kindly include this man in your prayers - Rodrigo Alday y Tolentino. Pa, you're still the best! :) Gagaling ka! Here he is with my Mama. ^-^

Me and My Standars

While browsing in a website where most queers at, someone sent me a message stating that he can't reach me because I'm of high standards. Hmm.. Have I set mine too high? Or nobody's qualified for the position?

Setting your own standards is like hiring somebody to do a job for you. If he doesn't meet the necessary requirements, then he is not fit for the job.

Here's what I stated in my profile:

Disclaimer: Before you read everything written here, make sure you have the eyes for reading. One user here told me that my profile has 'attitude' in it. One thing, my profile is me. It's an expression of my heart and mind.

- - - -

Everyone will always want your downfall. Career, lovelife, and family are the things I juggle everyday just to be able to cope with this cruel world. Now, I'm juggling two balls with my hands (please don't take this literally and greenly). Lovelife is still not knocking on my door. Been dating some but confusion still hinders everything. So there.

- - - -

Right now, a 21-year old me is facing some serious issues. I'd better set them aside for myself.

- - - -

I'm still a human being. I know how to laugh, cry, or lose myself. What are written here are words of someone who is frank and very straight forward but in reality, they aren't obvious in my company.

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So what if I am gay? I am a professional, myself and I am acting like one. The term 'gay' doesn't just apply to screaming fags or leather daddies out there but to the people who have lives to live like me. So please, better clear your standards well.

- - - -

To those people who wrote 'Bisexual' in their preference, let me ask you: when was the last time you had sex with a girl without thinking of what's between a guy's legs? Or better yet, have you ever had sex or relationship with a woman? Gahd, that's the worst thing about you people. You love pretending but when you're rejected, you feel sorry for it. A piece of damn advice: be true to yourself or simply put 'Gay' in your preference if you're really one. There's a big difference between the two words and by looks and attitude or the way you write things, I can definitely tell. So what if you're the manly type? Still you're sucking dick and can't even lick a cunt. Tsktsk.

Nakakairita lang kasi eh. Pag tinanong mo preference, isasagot 'Bisexual'. Pag tinanong mo kung nagkarelationship na or nakipag-DO na sa girl, sasabihin hindi pa or walang balak. Ano ka? Halaman? Man, be true to yourself. I just don't want to talk to hypocrite people.

- - - -

If you have plans on sending me a message, PLEASE, don't limit yourself with simple 'hi', 'hello'. Or better yet, don't try sending me any message if you're just going do this. :)

- - - -

My profile is not just a boast of everything but a prize to be proud of. :)

- - - -

I'm still LOVELESS. Geez, I'm trying to have someone to call my own. Anybody there? Haha!

- - - -

I have deleted my first account here because someone still haunts me with his memories. I don't want to hold on to that. Still, something in the wind has made me to create another account.

- - - -

At my young age, I can say that I am an achiever in my own ways. 2010 was a roller coaster ride of everything for me. I graduated last March, hired last April, started practicing my profession last June, took the boards last September and managed to pass it. Geez, I guess not all 20 year olds have this kind of achievements.

- - - -

A guy is hotter when he shows his intelligence and not just his 6-pack abs. Most guys, especially those who are in LGBT sites, are just into SEX and nothing beyond that. A piece of advice: show me that your brain functions more than your dick. I'm not after looks but when your hormones are more active than you are in a conversation, better not message me anymore. This is my standard because I always believe in a good companionship better than a relationship.

- - - -

I maybe cheap in my own ways but I'm not easy.

- - - -

So this is me. I know when to pretend and when to be honest.

- - - -

S.A.N.T.I.E.

So there. I've written whatever my heart tells me. Judgment is all yours.

Silence and Me

Ask a friend of mine to describe me and you'll come up with these answers: a screaming fag, a noisy teacher, or probably, a bad influence. These things are true, really. What I've shown to these people is my extrovert self. No one knows how I spend quality time with myself.

Silence. The best friend I've ever known since childhood. In times of trouble or despair, not a single soul is listening but I feel a sense of assurance. Silence gives me not only peace of mind, but of soul.

When I'm alone, I just pray, think, write, or better yet, sleep. Things that a normal person would do. This way, I become at ease with everything.

I love noise. I can perfom and adjust well in it. But sometimes, your inner soul wants to have an outlet from these things which, eventually, will burn you.

So find your self. With silence, of course.

Everything Queer

How does a queer fight for his life?

In this world where everything is almost possible with man, people tend to make the unimaginable imaginable. Queer – a term which is used for someone who is acting out of the norms predicted by the society. A term which is somewhat derogatory for those people who belong in it.

Now, society has become the dictator of man’s destiny. It is now considered the master of rules, policies and law. Tell me, is someone’s preference still a scope of this society? For many, it is a big YES but for some whose voices aren’t heard, a silent scream of NO.

I’m a queer and most people I meet everyday ask me if this was a choice if I was born like this. My answer is that whatever I am right now, it is a product of intelligent choices. Still, within this choice, I’m still trying to make it through everything. I’ll always be a queer and no one can remove it from my very soul. Through this, I became me. Through this, a wiser and braver man was molded.

Becoming a part of the queer world isn’t about happy parties and a never ending ecstasy. It is about becoming you when every foul word is thrown at you. It is about proving that you’re a better person and you don’t have to be judged according to the preference of the person you’re sleeping with.

We queers receive more pressure in different fields most especially those who are working in the academe. People give more expectations to what we do and we give more than what is expected from us. It is really hard being a queer most especially if you’re hiding your pink PRADA fur coat behind your closet. I think it would be better to be out in this world than spending your damn life asking the questions. Let’s define first everything before we proceed to the comparative analogy of my topic.

OUT means that you’re becoming a queer is known to everyone. No exemption because this includes your whole family (maternal and paternal), circle of friends and workmates. CLOSET or DISCREET means no one or only a limited number from your family knows that you’re a fag. Enough said? So proceed with the discourse…

There is of course a big difference between the lives of the OUT and the DISCREET. Queer people who are out are those brave ones who are not afraid of rejection and only accepts people who accepts them as what they are. Fighter is a better term for these people because they’d better fall down a hundred times and receive glory at the end.

Those who are hiding behind a manly image can be considered as queers playing safe. It’s either they are used to with their manly life and afraid that things might change once they take the mask off or they just couldn’t accept themselves because they are still possessed with the manhood image they have.

So whatever shade of pink you are wearing, there would always be struggles.

Who would want to marry a gay man? Tell me now.

Yes, we are homosexual people who sleep with our own kind and say “No, no!” to those who are not in our dear society. Most think that we will end alone because we can’t make a family of our own. But they don’t know that many from our kind dream of having a family to come home to.

I also have the same idea of having a child but not marrying a straight woman. Geez, all of my life I’ve been sleeping with guys then I’ll end up with a “SHE”? I still have my sane mind.

Going back to reality, if you want a child, you can’t simply impregnate a woman and take the child with you after she gave birth. In a series which I’ve been watching, Queer as Folk, there is lesbian couple who have children. The twist is that the children are of their own blood. How? They chose their gay friends to donate sperm for them and through an artificial insemination (and a legal agreement) they will have a child. But this scene only happens in countries like the United States but not here in the Philippines.

I’m a gay man and most of my friends are women. Some are even offering themselves to get laid by me and I honestly answer with a big “YUCK!”. Still, I’m a gay and I can’t imagine myself doing IT with a woman. I consider their offers as traps against my happiness.

But when a gay man tries to marry a woman, will that woman accept and trust him all throughout their lives? A gay man would always be a gay man. He, maybe, has decided to change but his past will always chase him and will forever haunt him. This is the big challenge for those gay men who have their own families now. You simply want a child but the package also includes a wife. It’s either take it or be alone until you die.

New Year Look Back

Now, only a day left until new year. I really can’t believe that 2010 has become a roller coaster ride of emotions, achievements, and life changing moments for me. Looking back, I know that a long list of things awaits me.

January: A start of new year for me as a student teacher in Nolasco High School. I welcomed everyone with my smile again and taught like I used to with them. With this month, I’ve been busying myself with my final lesson plan. Mrs. Empedrad, my critique teacher, got mad at me because I have failed to meet her deadline with my lesson plan. I cried because of the humiliation she got me in but I managed to become positive, to reason out with things. I know that she has done it to me because she wants my plan to be as polished as possible.

February: Many preparations have been made for our demonstration and the final examinations week. I know that my final demonstration has no match with what my classmates have prepared but in my students’ hearts, I was successful in bringing what I have to – to impart knowledge and values. I was nervous of the final examinations because I need to pass everything. Failing an examination or a subject would mean that I will not graduate. Luckily, I passed. (Haha!)

March: This was not graduation time. Still we have to wait after the Lenten Season in April. This month was devoted to endless getting of clearances and requirements from different offices in school and even singing the PLM Hymn in front of many people! Securing clearance from every office really made my days. Imagine a never ending line plus I didn’t have my friends with me to talk to the whole day! People in our own college (CHD) love power tripping. You cannot graduate without memorizing the Hymn! Great idea, just great! At this early, I have started applying for a teaching job. I have been initially interviewed in Dominican School Manila and I’m waiting for their next call.

April: After spending almost a week of vacation in Bulacan is my most awaited time of my college life – Graduation! Finally, the conclusion of my four year stay in this hell! We had the thanksgiving mass first in the activity center a week before the graduation. As I was getting ready for my big day, Dominican School called and asked if I’m available for an interview that day. I declined and told them that it is my graduation day. The day of graduation is one most memorable because everyone was in their best dress. I was enjoying the moment seeing all the people I have made friends with. I thought that graduation means crying after the ceremonies but I didn’t experience that. (Haha!) We were just happy that we’re finally graduates ready to face a more challenging chapter of our lives. Dominican School finally called me after two weeks of waiting and I got hired. J

May: What could be better than spending your 20^th birthday? Not a teen anymore – that was what I keep telling myself. Also, numerous seminars and a retreat in Batangas were the few which kept me busy as a preparation for my first job.

June: Excitement filled my heart in. I am now a teacher. Within the first week of the school days, I have met my advisory class and the rest of the students that will be under my tutelage for the rest of the school year. My body has gone through a lot of adjustments because of the demands of my profession. I started growing out acne and they left terrible scars on my pretty face. My sleeping hours have adjusted earlier and preparation for the next teaching day.

July: As I go through a new experience, I’m learning new things that will definitely help me with this new job. I know that the first quarter is a transition phase for me because of the adjustments and things that I have to learn first.

August: The first fellowship has happened. We have built our own clique of teachers (this also includes the nurse and the guidance counselors). This month is also memorable because of the overflowing of food in the faculty room because of the celebration of the “Buwan ng Wika” in lieu with the Filipino department.

September: This marks the LET (Licensure Examination for Teachers). It took us (The Dream Team) months of preparation just to face this and we know that whatever it takes, there would still be the April LET! Haha! The first card day also happened in this month and I have to admit that I had a harder time dealing with the parents than my students. Some of them are very light to talk to and some are very stubborn. Two parents marked that awful day and I cannot forgive their harshness.

October: While waiting for the results of the LET, the whole world celebrated the “World Teachers’ Day”. I felt blessed because my advisory class prepared something before we started the day. They decorated my table with candies and they even made a poster for me. After their 3-minutes of slight presentation, all I could say was “Nagkalat lang kayo! Maglinis kayo mamaya!”. Haha! Really, this day made me grateful that I became a teacher that everyone looks up to.

November: The results of the LET was finally released on an unexpected date and I managed to pass! After the long preparation and the long wait, finally, I am a teacher! This made me feel more blessed because this was my advance Christmas wish and it was granted. I really am thankful because just within this mileage, I was able to achieve more than I expected I could.

December: The last month of 2010 marks the coming of my most favorite holiday – Christmas! Many events had happened within our last week. I took the oath of professional teachers last 15 at Cuneta Astrodome and this marks the title full-fledged teacher! The following day, we had the pupils’ Christmas party. Beforehand, I was warned that I should bring 2 big bags for the gifts that my pupils will give to me but unfortunately, I didn’t expect so much so I just went on. When I entered the room, my table was overflowing with presents and I can’t imagine my table anymore because of the presents on it. So it continues, we had our Christmas party and the students enjoyed the celebration. Sr. Rhea even helped because I share the class with her. I was really thankful she was able to come to see the pupils before the year ends. I went home with a very big box full of presents. Mama even helped me in opening and it took us more than an hour just to finish the opening. The next day was the most awaited one by the whole faculty and staff. We all had our costumes on and presentations for the Christmas party. I was one of the Masters of Ceremonies for the celebration. We didn’t won the any prize for the presentation but we were happy about it because we lacked time in preparing for the activity. In one of the games, the elementary department managed to win against the others! We concluded the celebration with lots of food and drinks. Everyone went home happily because of the presents they received from their Mommy/ Daddy, the prizes from the raffle and of course – the Christmas bonus!

I know that I didn’t give much full detail of the year because I still have unwritten moments with my Queens, the Fellowship, with my best friends, and with my family. These are just the highlights of 2010 in my life.

I may have gone this far but I am sure that my feet are still on the ground. Looking back, I really can’t believe that these this happened in just a year’s time. I won’t be in this state without the people who believed and loved me throughout my hardest times. And I offer them this:

In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Lord, thank you so much for giving me a year to prove myself worthy of Your blessings. Lord, thank you for the wonderful things that had happened in my life despite of my shortcomings. Lord, until now, I can’t believe that I have gone this far and I promise to be Your soldier of knowledge until the end. I offer You all of these things.

Lord, I am praying for my family. May Papa and Mama stay healthy for the coming years. Give them strength and love to keep love still radiating in our household. May they be always feel happy. Lord, I’m also praying for my siblings. May Justin have a job he can call his own and may he find success in everything that he will do. May Rose Ann have the satisfaction with the things she possesses. May she find happiness and feel blessed with the things she has. May Christian, have sense of belonging with the people around him. May he finally have the wisdom for everything.

Lord, I’m praying for my relatives. May Nanay have longer years with us and please give her an even better health. Keep her happy always. I pray for Tita Violy and her family. May they overcome the challenges that are on their way. Please give them good health and keep their family tight within this times. I pray for Tita Poyie and her family. May Tito Nonon keep his best health always and may they prosper. I pray for Tito Ompong and Tita Happy, may they be finally blessed with a child they could call their own. I pray for my cousins. May they be successful in the paths they are taking. Give them the strength to persevere more in times when they couldn’t take a step anymore. I pray for the Cruz-Blancaflor and the Tolentino-Alday. May everyone be happy and safe always. May they have a prosperous life ahead of them.

I pray for my best friends Trisha, Carmela, Lovely and Rafael. May they have success in their own lives. I also pray for happiness for each one of them.

I pray for the Queen B’s. I pray that we become stronger as the years go by. I pray that we may have more moments to share and more stories to tell. I pray that each one will have a better success in the fields they have chosen to trod. I pray that each one will have their own story to write and to share. I pray that each one will be blessed with a partner that will be their light when the dark times come. May they have happiness.

For the Padre Rada peeps, more laughter and more drinks to share.

*not yet done