That BVLGARI Guy

So I'm finally over him. Finally over with the days, weeks, months and more than a year of happiness and torment by just thinking about him.

I have never loved any guy the way I loved him. That's a fact I can't deny to everyone who knows me well. He's the guy who woke my inner soul and the very best out of me. He's the guy who became my standard with everything - sex, intelligence and looks.

More than these things, he made me tougher. I can say that I have become more intelligent in choosing who to date, who to get laid with and whom to love. With every guy that I meet, he's the correction to whatever flaw that I will find within a guy.

Where is he now? I don't know. He's just there mingling with the guys he has found.

One thing is certain, I will always dream of another chance having him again. That maybe in a different lifetime.

Advance Happy Birthday, Jep. :)

Realizations and Sense of Belonging

I had a really great time in Malate last October 30, 2010. Yes, it’s the place where all queers gather and meet each other. Handsome Gays, Manly and Very Effeminate Ones, Cross-dressers, Drag Queens, Screaming Fags, Discreet Types, Transsexuals, Transvestites… name it and that event has all the types of queers you could think of. BLACKPARTY – that’s what they called the event.

I’m always looking for the company which I would be able to suit in best during party nights. It doesn’t mean that I’m not enjoying parties with the B’s but it would be like putting a pink flamingo inside a chicken barn. And I cannot bring my friends to my kingdom for a reason that girls will not be able to digest if they happen to see two guys making out in front of them – two gorgeous guys that a girl would kill for. Luckily, I have found guys that would definitely free this pink flamingo inside me. They’re also queers like me but a different shade of pink. I’m the type who is louder in color and they belong to the lighter shade. They taught me “Malaysia” or Malate. They opened me to the world I was really looking for.

So I went back to Malate with these new pals to celebrate my preference and be wild as I can be. Realizations do come only after the party has been concluded.

I do and I don’t belong in this world.

Let’s have first the reasons why I belong to this little world. I’m a queer and that simply defines it. This place welcomes me with its open arms every time I set my foot in. This little society becomes a sanctuary for those souls who are looking for company which will not judge them according to whom they sleep with. I also consider Malaysia as Never Land where happiness never dies. Celebrating homosexuality is the most dominant thing around the streets of Malate. I love me being gay and I am proud of it with my pride flag waving. Still, in this sense of belonging to this world, there are some things that stop me from embracing it.

One thing that I have observed in Malate is the mere fact that it is a loners’ world. I’m a loner and I don’t need more sadness or grief to be the company of my own. The party stops. Everyone will eventually stop dancing. The sadness of those people who are searching or mending a broken heart will not die with the music. Yes, I feel alive in the arms of this new found paradise but it doesn’t guarantee something that every weary soul is looking for. Fun and excitement can never replace what your heart is really wanting.

Within these barriers I am building and the whole lot of crap I am putting myself in, I will always have a reason to come back. I’ll always be a goddamn queer.

110110 3:29AM