1.02.2011

New Year Look Back

Now, only a day left until new year. I really can’t believe that 2010 has become a roller coaster ride of emotions, achievements, and life changing moments for me. Looking back, I know that a long list of things awaits me.

January: A start of new year for me as a student teacher in Nolasco High School. I welcomed everyone with my smile again and taught like I used to with them. With this month, I’ve been busying myself with my final lesson plan. Mrs. Empedrad, my critique teacher, got mad at me because I have failed to meet her deadline with my lesson plan. I cried because of the humiliation she got me in but I managed to become positive, to reason out with things. I know that she has done it to me because she wants my plan to be as polished as possible.

February: Many preparations have been made for our demonstration and the final examinations week. I know that my final demonstration has no match with what my classmates have prepared but in my students’ hearts, I was successful in bringing what I have to – to impart knowledge and values. I was nervous of the final examinations because I need to pass everything. Failing an examination or a subject would mean that I will not graduate. Luckily, I passed. (Haha!)

March: This was not graduation time. Still we have to wait after the Lenten Season in April. This month was devoted to endless getting of clearances and requirements from different offices in school and even singing the PLM Hymn in front of many people! Securing clearance from every office really made my days. Imagine a never ending line plus I didn’t have my friends with me to talk to the whole day! People in our own college (CHD) love power tripping. You cannot graduate without memorizing the Hymn! Great idea, just great! At this early, I have started applying for a teaching job. I have been initially interviewed in Dominican School Manila and I’m waiting for their next call.

April: After spending almost a week of vacation in Bulacan is my most awaited time of my college life – Graduation! Finally, the conclusion of my four year stay in this hell! We had the thanksgiving mass first in the activity center a week before the graduation. As I was getting ready for my big day, Dominican School called and asked if I’m available for an interview that day. I declined and told them that it is my graduation day. The day of graduation is one most memorable because everyone was in their best dress. I was enjoying the moment seeing all the people I have made friends with. I thought that graduation means crying after the ceremonies but I didn’t experience that. (Haha!) We were just happy that we’re finally graduates ready to face a more challenging chapter of our lives. Dominican School finally called me after two weeks of waiting and I got hired. J

May: What could be better than spending your 20th birthday? Not a teen anymore – that was what I keep telling myself. Also, numerous seminars and a retreat in Batangas were the few which kept me busy as a preparation for my first job.

June: Excitement filled my heart in. I am now a teacher. Within the first week of the school days, I have met my advisory class and the rest of the students that will be under my tutelage for the rest of the school year. My body has gone through a lot of adjustments because of the demands of my profession. I started growing out acne and they left terrible scars on my pretty face. My sleeping hours have adjusted earlier and preparation for the next teaching day.

July: As I go through a new experience, I’m learning new things that will definitely help me with this new job. I know that the first quarter is a transition phase for me because of the adjustments and things that I have to learn first.

August: The first fellowship has happened. We have built our own clique of teachers (this also includes the nurse and the guidance counselors). This month is also memorable because of the overflowing of food in the faculty room because of the celebration of the “Buwan ng Wika” in lieu with the Filipino department.

September: This marks the LET (Licensure Examination for Teachers). It took us (The Dream Team) months of preparation just to face this and we know that whatever it takes, there would still be the April LET! Haha! The first card day also happened in this month and I have to admit that I had a harder time dealing with the parents than my students. Some of them are very light to talk to and some are very stubborn. Two parents marked that awful day and I cannot forgive their harshness.

October: While waiting for the results of the LET, the whole world celebrated the “World Teachers’ Day”. I felt blessed because my advisory class prepared something before we started the day. They decorated my table with candies and they even made a poster for me. After their 3-minutes of slight presentation, all I could say was “Nagkalat lang kayo! Maglinis kayo mamaya!”. Haha! Really, this day made me grateful that I became a teacher that everyone looks up to.

November: The results of the LET was finally released on an unexpected date and I managed to pass! After the long preparation and the long wait, finally, I am a teacher! This made me feel more blessed because this was my advance Christmas wish and it was granted. I really am thankful because just within this mileage, I was able to achieve more than I expected I could.

December: The last month of 2010 marks the coming of my most favorite holiday – Christmas! Many events had happened within our last week. I took the oath of professional teachers last 15 at Cuneta Astrodome and this marks the title full-fledged teacher! The following day, we had the pupils’ Christmas party. Beforehand, I was warned that I should bring 2 big bags for the gifts that my pupils will give to me but unfortunately, I didn’t expect so much so I just went on. When I entered the room, my table was overflowing with presents and I can’t imagine my table anymore because of the presents on it. So it continues, we had our Christmas party and the students enjoyed the celebration. Sr. Rhea even helped because I share the class with her. I was really thankful she was able to come to see the pupils before the year ends. I went home with a very big box full of presents. Mama even helped me in opening and it took us more than an hour just to finish the opening. The next day was the most awaited one by the whole faculty and staff. We all had our costumes on and presentations for the Christmas party. I was one of the Masters of Ceremonies for the celebration. We didn’t won the any prize for the presentation but we were happy about it because we lacked time in preparing for the activity. In one of the games, the elementary department managed to win against the others! We concluded the celebration with lots of food and drinks. Everyone went home happily because of the presents they received from their Mommy/ Daddy, the prizes from the raffle and of course – the Christmas bonus!

I know that I didn’t give much full detail of the year because I still have unwritten moments with my Queens, the Fellowship, with my best friends, and with my family. These are just the highlights of 2010 in my life.

I may have gone this far but I am sure that my feet are still on the ground. Looking back, I really can’t believe that these this happened in just a year’s time. I won’t be in this state without the people who believed and loved me throughout my hardest times. And I offer them this:

In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Lord, thank you so much for giving me a year to prove myself worthy of Your blessings. Lord, thank you for the wonderful things that had happened in my life despite of my shortcomings. Lord, until now, I can’t believe that I have gone this far and I promise to be Your soldier of knowledge until the end. I offer You all of these things.

Lord, I am praying for my family. May Papa and Mama stay healthy for the coming years. Give them strength and love to keep love still radiating in our household. May they be always feel happy. Lord, I’m also praying for my siblings. May Justin have a job he can call his own and may he find success in everything that he will do. May Rose Ann have the satisfaction with the things she possesses. May she find happiness and feel blessed with the things she has. May Christian, have sense of belonging with the people around him. May he finally have the wisdom for everything.

Lord, I’m praying for my relatives. May Nanay have longer years with us and please give her an even better health. Keep her happy always. I pray for Tita Violy and her family. May they overcome the challenges that are on their way. Please give them good health and keep their family tight within this times. I pray for Tita Poyie and her family. May Tito Nonon keep his best health always and may they prosper. I pray for Tito Ompong and Tita Happy, may they be finally blessed with a child they could call their own. I pray for my cousins. May they be successful in the paths they are taking. Give them the strength to persevere more in times when they couldn’t take a step anymore. I pray for the Cruz-Blancaflor and the Tolentino-Alday. May everyone be happy and safe always. May they have a prosperous life ahead of them.

I pray for my best friends Trisha, Carmela, Lovely and Rafael. May they have success in their own lives. I also pray for happiness for each one of them.

I pray for the Queen B’s. I pray that we become stronger as the years go by. I pray that we may have more moments to share and more stories to tell. I pray that each one will have a better success in the fields they have chosen to trod. I pray that each one will have their own story to write and to share. I pray that each one will be blessed with a partner that will be their light when the dark times come. May they have happiness.

For the Padre Rada peeps, more laughter and more drinks to share.


*not yet done

11.27.2010

That BVLGARI Guy

So I'm finally over him. Finally over with the days, weeks, months and more than a year of happiness and torment by just thinking about him.

I have never loved any guy the way I loved him. That's a fact I can't deny to everyone who knows me well. He's the guy who woke my inner soul and the very best out of me. He's the guy who became my standard with everything - sex, intelligence and looks.

More than these things, he made me tougher. I can say that I have become more intelligent in choosing who to date, who to get laid with and whom to love. With every guy that I meet, he's the correction to whatever flaw that I will find within a guy.

Where is he now? I don't know. He's just there mingling with the guys he has found.

One thing is certain, I will always dream of another chance having him again. That maybe in a different lifetime.

Advance Happy Birthday, Jep. :)

11.03.2010

Realizations and Sense of Belonging

I had a really great time in Malate last October 30, 2010. Yes, it’s the place where all queers gather and meet each other. Handsome Gays, Manly and Very Effeminate Ones, Cross-dressers, Drag Queens, Screaming Fags, Discreet Types, Transsexuals, Transvestites… name it and that event has all the types of queers you could think of. BLACKPARTY – that’s what they called the event.

I’m always looking for the company which I would be able to suit in best during party nights. It doesn’t mean that I’m not enjoying parties with the B’s but it would be like putting a pink flamingo inside a chicken barn. And I cannot bring my friends to my kingdom for a reason that girls will not be able to digest if they happen to see two guys making out in front of them – two gorgeous guys that a girl would kill for. Luckily, I have found guys that would definitely free this pink flamingo inside me. They’re also queers like me but a different shade of pink. I’m the type who is louder in color and they belong to the lighter shade. They taught me “Malaysia” or Malate. They opened me to the world I was really looking for.

So I went back to Malate with these new pals to celebrate my preference and be wild as I can be. Realizations do come only after the party has been concluded.

I do and I don’t belong in this world.

Let’s have first the reasons why I belong to this little world. I’m a queer and that simply defines it. This place welcomes me with its open arms every time I set my foot in. This little society becomes a sanctuary for those souls who are looking for company which will not judge them according to whom they sleep with. I also consider Malaysia as Never Land where happiness never dies. Celebrating homosexuality is the most dominant thing around the streets of Malate. I love me being gay and I am proud of it with my pride flag waving. Still, in this sense of belonging to this world, there are some things that stop me from embracing it.

One thing that I have observed in Malate is the mere fact that it is a loners’ world. I’m a loner and I don’t need more sadness or grief to be the company of my own. The party stops. Everyone will eventually stop dancing. The sadness of those people who are searching or mending a broken heart will not die with the music. Yes, I feel alive in the arms of this new found paradise but it doesn’t guarantee something that every weary soul is looking for. Fun and excitement can never replace what your heart is really wanting.

Within these barriers I am building and the whole lot of crap I am putting myself in, I will always have a reason to come back. I’ll always be a goddamn queer.

110110 3:29AM

7.22.2010

Desires of My Heart

It really is amazing how our hearts do something just to make us realizing things we're not aware anymore of.

Last night, I've had the weirdest of dreams - I dreamt of my ex.

I really wondered why in all people I know, he's the one I've dreamt of. Psychologists say that our dreams are interpretations of what our subconscious mind is thinking. But, is it really the mind which is thinking when it comes to these things or is it the foolish heart which isn't learning?

I know that I am so over with this stuff. I've had enough pain and happiness from him. If my heart still desires for more, I will not let it. I'll just stick to my mind.

7.15.2010

Never Again

It's been so long.

He still lingers in my mind. I know that this shouldn't be happening to me but I really can't stop my heart. I still have a functioning mind and I won't let crazy things to happen again.

I've had enough of him, yet, this heart's still begging for more pain, for more more happiness. I try to tell myself not to be like someone who is from my past - pathetic and no more than that. I don't want to get back to that point.

I've moved on. I have to learn how to be happy. Men and love don't mix in my system.